One Day At A Time
“Always be a first-rate version of yourself,
instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”
As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be like — or act like — someone else. I never allowed myself the freedom to be me. I was my parents’ child, my husband’s wife, and my children’s mother. It wasn’t until I came into program wearing all of my identities on my body — 150 pounds’ worth — that I was able to see how unhappy I really was.
I began my journey to recovery by slowly discovering the real me underneath all that extra weight. Working the Twelve Steps of recovery helped me to peel away the layers of fear that kept me stuck.
One Day at a Time . . .
I am free to be me ~
And I am enough.
“Always be yourself, everybody else is already taken.” I was going to put the source of the quote, but in going to look it up I can’t find a definitive point. Oscar Wilde is the most oft referenced, but there is no hard point of proof.
Who are you when I’m not looking, it’s a country song. It’s also one hell of a powerful thought, but it can be twinned by the line, who am I when you’re not looking.
As children, we are often defined by our parents and their dreams for us. As young adults we can often be seen rebelling against those same standards, or not, in defining who we actually are in our own right. If our childhood was troubled however, then our templates are fucked and we need to throw them out and start fresh with some generic templates.
Did you throw yours out? I sure as hell didn’t. I tried my hardest to fit into the templates handed to me by my father. I didn’t fit. It took me a failed marriage, a pair of suicide attempts and a wake up call at the end of a running away bender to realize what was going on. I was still living somebody else’s life.
So I stopped. That drifting period was the hardest part of my life. It took me until last year to come to terms with most of it and catharticly burn the five detailed journals of that time of my life. While it may have been academically interesting at some point in the future, I really never want my boys to find and read that during their own troubled years, I would rather talk to them in person about what’s happening. Just have to become the person they feel safe calling to do the talking to. I’m working on that.
Oh my, I seem to have wandered off topic, the lead was freedom. Ostensibly the freedom to be yourself, and that is the ultimate goal of self-recovery/self-discovery, to become more fully realized as ourselves. One day at a time, pushing ever forward out of our protective habits formed in those times of trial, and becoming more fully realized as completely and totally our own self free from persecution.
I think I’ll leave off, this is feeling disjointed enough right now. Cheers, and I’ve got to get back to work.
Cheers and DFTBA.
Duke of Chaos