Oh hell, where do I start?

There are so many questions I find I need the answer to, not the least of which is who am I and where did this tattoo come from?

No but really, there’s no tattoo, but the existential question of who am I and what do I stand for?  Or more commonly put, what the hell am I working this hard for, that even my kids don’t like me much anymore?  There’s gotta be more to life that that, right?

Today marks the first day of a new awareness, for me at least.   But before I pontificate too much, there are so many topics on my horizon that I need to address, and I can’t manage to focus on any of them.

I find of late that I LIKE tea, in addition to the coffee that I usually imbibe by the gallon.

So first off, here’s a listing of the things that are really starting to get to me of late, the things that I am facing down, dealing with and or just generally having to cope with…

-family communications, I am not so good at it, so for the sake of my boys, and future other children, it’s time to inventory and attend to my own mental gymnastics.

-Gah! and I’ve forgotten the rest of the things I wanted to list out here so I could concentrate and get some momentum on doing what I needed to get done.  If I can make to re-spawn then I will come back to this.

Pray for me if you’re so inclined, wish me luck, and DFTBA no matter what.


So where the hell do I start?

It’s February 4th, 2015.  I have successfully returned from yet another pointless trip to the big Wet down on the coast, visiting doctors that only managed to rule out more possibilities for my second oldest’s issues that keep cropping up and getting worse.  This trip left us strapped, about $100 left for gas and groceries for the week, with hundreds of dollars due in utilities, not to mention the loans and student loans and other such trifling issues.  I sure as hell know I’m not the only one who’s short of green and gold at the moment, not by a long shot, but truthfully it does get tiring after a while, dodging the creditors, lying and buying time from the utility guys, y’know? It’s like “I know I’m three months behind but I have to stay there so I can catch up the other’s until I’m only three month’s behind on their payments as well, k? Thanks.  GAH!

Ok, I’m about three full days behind on the things I am already committed to doing, and then there’s the rest of what I’m actually scripted to do, and it’s about twenty minutes before two in the morning, I want to sleep, and anxiety is starting to eat at my soul..

Oh, and to top it off, tomorrow (or today after I wake up) is not going to be much better, given the insane schedule’s and all that which I am committed to following… Wish me luck, it’s good to be back and I’ll see about fleshing out some of the idea’s I’ve got in mind for this place.

Oh?  How d’you all like the new digs/theme?  Yay?  or Nay?  Thoughts regardless, let me know.

DFTBA and God Bless y’all.


Yin and Yan, Depression and Acceptance

Hey there, it’s been a while, and while I do still do daily work in the Al-Anon stuff, journaling it on here for all to see is actually doing me more harm than good in the time and energy required and the benefits received…  So yeah, it’ll discontinue for a bit.  I might come back to it, and if you need to unsubscribe I’ll understand, but such is life and all that.

As for the other, I’ve been doing some serious work trying to bring life back to the track I want to be living on. You can call it an advanced application of living in the ‘now’ or living a super-conscious life.  It’s not as easily accomplished as i thought it would be.

The exercise is a good thing, painful for this old fat guy, but I have to assume that it will be a good thing as I get into better shape.  The high and low cycles are just brutal, but that’s part of the game I suppose.

See what triggered this line of thought was that I came into this weekend, at noon on Friday looking for some good workouts, a couple of good runs, and some serious quality family time.  But I started to slide late Friday afternoon, and my wife is fighting her own demons, so there was a serious lull in communication to complement my impending slide into depression.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve battled (and won) clinical depression many times in my life, three critical episodes that I can call to mind at the moment, and I know what the warning signs are.  They’re not pretty.  And the path is VERY well marked.  So I knew what I was feeling, but it took some time to hammer out the why of it all this time.  So here I sit on Sunday morning. having just punched out a pair of sets of my 10-squared workout.  Overall it’s not a bad workout, 100 pounds of weight on the bar, ten of the big exercises, (bench press, squat, deadlifts, rows, etc…) and ten reps for ten sets (for the record I’ve only ever managed a total of six in a session, so the goal is to keep at it until I’m strong enough to do the full ten in a reasonable amount of time…

Anyhow, back to topic, depression for anybody who’s gone through it, is not a fun path to walk, and taking steps early on to avert the full descent to the ‘bottom’ is usually a good idea.  I saw where I was headed Friday night, and spent most of Saturday lamenting it, like a dog worrying a bone that’s too old to yield any reward.  Then this morning I pulled up my youtube subscription feed and TedTalks had an episode on Ying and Yang.  Here it is…


So that was it. I realized that there are going to be lows in the life I’m living, and while if I obsess over it I will descend into depression, but accepting it and moving forward, keeping in the flow, keep moving forward as though it is just one more moment in a life filled with both extraordinary and mundane moments.  It’s up to me to keep the momentum moving.  Accepting this has be cathartic, it allowed me to get up and do the exercise this morning.  Now if you’ll excuse me i have to go and have a shower before getting the littlest one ready for church.  Have an amazing day and take care out there.  It’s storming here at the moment.  I love storms.  They’re so exciting.

DFTBA and God Bless.


The Duke Lives

The home of the Dutchess and her Duke, and their progeny.

The home of the Duchess and her Duke, and their progeny. Please note the half started tower in the background, it’s not a hangman’s gallows, although it DOES look like one doesn’t it?

So yeah, a new poem.  I’m not really good at poetry, but here it is.  “The Duke Lives”

The Duke Lives

Turbulent trying trepidation

Helpless harried hurting humanity

Endless empty entropy

Dangerous despairing delineations

Uncertainly utilized umbrage

Keening knighted kaon

Everlastingly enigmatic

Layered livid lightening

Intrepidly inspired

Viciously vetoing victimization

Energetically expelling entropy

Superheroes strive successfully

– – – – –

The daily schedule was brutal towards the end, I’ve too many irons in the fire, and I’ve ended up half-ass-ing more than I’d care to admit.  But I’m alive, and to boot, I’ve started eating better (not well, but better, more water coffee and vegetables, less crap).  I’ve started exercising almost effectively, and the list goes on from there. I’m still working on trying to figure out the nature of the beast, and how I feel I can contribute anything here besides detailing recovery, but I’ll get there.

Until then, I appreciate all the positive feedback and wonderful positive support.  I’ve got to get back to work here, so until later.



The power of positive thinking, and the costs?

How hard is it to maintain a positive outlook at all times?  Is it healthy?

I ask this because I haven’t managed a positive outlook in days now, or weeks maybe; it might have been that long since I didn’t feel like the south end of a north bound camel.

Or at least that’s the way life’s been of late.  I know that I’ve been ‘off’ in posting since early or mid April, or was it May?   I’d have to look, and while I do value you treasured individuals who have chosen to follow this blog, I am not sure I had it in me to post the daily posts, and as with all recovery programs, taking care of one’s self was and is a critical part of the process.  I haven’t been doing that because of the stresses of life, and the demands of time.

I am only human.  I would like to beat myself up and suggest that I’ve let down everybody who might have been reading this and depending on the blog for their daily processes in recovery.  I’d like to but the honest truth is that I have been reprinting the daily readings and my own little and often irrelevant notes or insights to the reading, or as often as not I’ve been either slacking on that aspect or whining incoherently about things…  I can promise things will pick up again, but not tomorrow.

See, I’m taking a vacation.  My boys, my amazingly hot wife, and I are going camping, and while I can promise you that it will be a fair bit of work for me personally the time away from the pressures of an office and deadlines is going to be good for a week. It’ll be the first real vacation I’ve taken since we got married.

So, yeah, lots of thinking, lots of living, and a little bit of me and us time, after which I’ll get back to being a good citizen.  Cheers and thanks for understanding.  You’re awesome for just being you.



DFTBA and God Bless.


A bit of a lost cause I suppose. . .

The title, yeah that’s about how it’s going these days. I am really not doing well, as the lack of postings and other positive stuff can attest to.

I’ve hit burnout, and emotional crash point.  It’s been touch and go with depression and even thoughts of suicide because of things I can’t discuss here or now.  And the baby is waking up meaning that I’m about to get in a world of misery because I’m supposed to be heading out to help my wife’s grandfather and crew pick up hay before racing back to do the coffee and stuff for church,and she’s not going to want to get up to take care of the baby who’s not settling back down.

I’ve hijacked yesterday’s post since I never finished it.

So yesterday went, well it went.  And now it’s Monday morning, I’m waiting for the laundry to finish so I can swap out loads and then head into work to see why the servers aren’t responding.  It probably has something to do with the planned power upgrades BC Hydro was making yesterday…  hopefully it’s just a restart issue.

About the title, I’m feeling and have been feeling that life is a bit of a lost cause, and trying harder to get it all lined up is just so much wasted energy.  I am realizing that we humans are social creatures, and that it is up to each and every one of us to become those social creatures to the best of our abilities.

This weekend was a difficult one for me, I react very negatively to some stimulus (angry people, yelling, other such aggressive negativity) and I was getting it from all sides, meaning I started to slide early Saturday and ended up getting the worst of the beating from inside my own head.  I’d like to give thanks to God for the wife he chose for me, just now I realized why I should be grateful for her.

She keeps working on me despite my feeling like such a lost cause.  I often thought that she was the source of much of my problem with the world, but she’s not the source.  It’s more of a mirror thing, the things I am seeing are my problems not hers. She has grew up differently in a different world than I did, and expresses herself differently than I do, that much is to be taken as normal.  We are all different people, and as such no two of us will operate exactly the same.  I have to learn that fact, I have to internalize it.

Most of all I have to learn to communicate what I’m feeling rather than projecting those issues to another person’s actions.  Whoops, that’s the dryer finishing, have to go deal with it.  I’ve a poem in mind if I can get the moment to cover it off later on this morning. Wish me luck.  And yes I know this is unfocused, but that’s my life, and I’m trying to move forward, static images of totally focused points will stall any progress I might make at this point, potentially letting my demons catch up and push me back into that pit I’m trying to climb out of.  God bless and may you have an awesome day. DFTBA


New Beginnings Day 178 – June 27, 2013 – Re-dedication


I’ve squashed the pic for ease of page load, the message typed on it says, “the difference between a goal and a dream is a deadline”

Each a new beginning – Day 178 – June 27, 2013 – Re-dedication

Quoted from Page # 179 in Hope For Today (Link Here)

Tradition Eight says, “Al-Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.” It shows us how to keep the spiritual part of our program spiritual. It defines the separation between the heart and the heads of Al-Anon. Certain work needs to be done to keep our program available to others – designing The-Forum, packing literature to sent to various groups, emptying the wastebaskets at the World Service Office so that they don’t overflow, etc.  Additionally many specialized tasks need to be done as a necessary part of sustaining a large organization such as Al-Anon. It makes sense to pay people to do the things that need to be done.  

However, Tradition Eight makes it clear that the true business of Al-Anon – it’s Twelfth Step work- remains nonprofessional and non-compensated monetarily. The love shared in this program between members is not something that can be bought; it’s a gift not a commodity.  The great and wonderful paradox is that we give it away freely with no expectation of compensation, and we are nonetheless richly rewarded by receiving even more love and recovery than we give away.

Thought for the Day

Tradition Eight is a simple one.  IT provides for maintaining the body of Al-Anon so that the spirit of love can thrive.


“Tradition Eight guides us on how to carry the message of Al-Anon to others.”

 – Paths To Recovery, p. 207

Alleged Insight:

Well, this is a day late, and kinda short, yesterday was intense, insane and brutal, literally. It was the fourth day of less than two hours of sleep in nights previous, and then I had things to finish and stuff kept breaking at work that I had to fix instead of finishing the stuff I had to finish.

Then after all that, I got home cooked my own birthday dinner (my wife marinated some awesome porkchops for the BBQ prior to heading for work) and proceeded to try to clean house with grumpy kids in play. Done that, got them to bed, paid for and helped with wife’s online test that was required for work, and then since I was still awake, I started out with the dumbell weights for a simple moderate workout.  And then I sat down to do up an epic birthday post shoutout thank-you and and such. So yeah, now I’M 37, yesterday was the first of a dedicated workout of 365 for me. Today’s going to be the cardio (meaning running ) entry.  I want twelve months of green marked days, with entries for workouts, and I am going to lose this lethargy and spare.

Anyhow, today’s entry will be up a bit later.  Cheers and wish me luck, maybe I”ll get to the entry I was going to post a couple of days ago, but for now I’ve got to come to terms with the depth of the pain I was at, and hopefully get past the apprehension and anxiety that remember it engenders in me.  Later friends.

Vires quod Virtus , Patientia quod Pietas.

*Strength and Courage , Patience and Compassion* (the bold line is Latin, I’m odd that way).


God Bless, and DFTBA

Standard Disclaimer: the text-reminder-and quote- herein comes from the book as noted at the top of this post. If you want to verify, look up your local AA or Al-Anon group.  
But seriously, the work works if you work it. I’m doing this for me, for my wife, for our family and for our future.
By posting this material each morning, I hope to hold the ideals in my awareness, and start with the small steps that make a big journey. ODAT is the slogan, and with God as my wing-man there’s a fair chance of surviving this adventure, for a while anyhow.

I am merely a tool in God’s toolbox.

New Beginnings Day 178 – June 26, 2013 – Standing Useless Guard

Each a new beginning – Day 178 – Juen 26, 2013 – Standing Useless Guard

Quoted from Page # 178 in Hope For Today (Link Here)

“Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems”  I identify with this question from the Al-Anon leaflet, “Did you Grow Up with a Problem Drinker?”  

Today my life is going very well, thanks to the recovery work I have done in Al-Anon. I have a great job, a wonderful husband, and I”m finally working toward the graduate degree I’ve wanted for so long. Yet as great as this all feels, I’m still on edge. I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It’s as if I don’t know how to handle happiness,so I start searching for difficulties to dwell on. I lie awake at night wondering if my car will break down.  I try to guess what my employees are thinking, and I feel anxious if I”m not a week ahead on my schoolwork. The obsession is annoying, even to me.

Of course, none of this fretting serves any purpose. Even if I could anticipate all potential problems and have solutions in mind, my worry won’t protect me from something that may never happen. When I have turned to my Higher Power in the past to remove my worries about REAL problems, She has come through for me. I need to remind myself that She can remove the IMAGINARY difficulties, too.  If I accept that I am powerless over my mind’s negative energy, if I desire to be restored to sanity, an if I ask my Higher Power to help me, She will do so. I can trust Her.  All that’s left for me to do is the footwork on each issue as needed.  Then I can let go and enjoy my life.

Thought for the Day

When I’ve done all I can, I “Let Go and Let God.”.


“. . . Worrying will not protect me from the future. It will just keep me from living here and now.”

 – Courage to Change, p. 15

Alleged Insight:

I read today’s reading and it brought to mind the image of my four year old boy holding his pretend laser cannon while sitting watching vigilantly guarding against the aliens that were going to attack down the riverbed which his tree-fort overlooks.  It was a moment of stunned insight.  Worrying about tomorrow’s maybe and what if’s is a lot like him guarding against space monsters that won’t show up before dinner.  He spent half of his afternoon glaring into the forest upstream instead of playing with the other kids because he’d decided that ‘they’ were coming any moment now.

I know this isn’t as insightful as it could be, but in context, playing and enjoying the afternoon would have been a better pursuit for him, as opposed to guarding against something that is just as likely not to happen.  Cheers, maybe I can get tomorrow’s done before September.


Vires quod Virtus , Patientia quod Pietas.

*Strength and Courage , Patience and Compassion* (the bold line is Latin, I’m odd that way).


God Bless, and DFTBA

Standard Disclaimer: the text-reminder-and quote- herein comes from the book as noted at the top of this post. If you want to verify, look up your local AA or Al-Anon group.  
But seriously, the work works if you work it. I’m doing this for me, for my wife, for our family and for our future.
By posting this material each morning, I hope to hold the ideals in my awareness, and start with the small steps that make a big journey. ODAT is the slogan, and with God as my wing-man there’s a fair chance of surviving this adventure, for a while anyhow.

I am merely a tool in God’s toolbox.

Update, Reconciliation, what have you. . .

This is cross posted on the other blog as well, but it never hurts to be redundant, usually only a few bits get missed.

Hi there.

You know what?  Stress buggers all kinds of things up.  This month has been one of those months where Friday feels like Monday and I go back to work to recover from being at home.  Know what I mean?  Then at work it’s been upgrading, and new employees, and new hardware, and new software, and new processes,

Then to top it off, there’s the issues with getting my incredibly hot and talented wife through all the right hoops to let her get back into school and finish the program she started, and the middle boy is at the top end of four, meaning he’s a little bit moody some of the time, the rest of the time he’s worse.

I know this is not correct writing, the comma splices are brutal, and run on sentences are even worse, but the truth is that I am tired, it’s about two in the morning, and my boy is making sounds like he’s going to wake up soon.

Anyhow, I’m apparently not really certain where I wanted this to go, but the fact is I”m here, I’m busy and I’ve got some cleaning up do to in the near future concerning writing, recovery and general rant blogs as well as Facebook pages and other general things…  I’ll probably mull it all over tomorrow and try to come up with a resolution of sorts, eventually.  Maybe.  Kinda.


Specifically I have to figure out how to continue with the daily inspirational blog, while determining where I want to go with a writing blog, since I can either be writing stories, or writing a blog, and there’s only so much time in a day…  *sigh*  Wish me luck will you.  Thanks.  Dan.


New Beginnings Day 132 – May 11, 2013 – Sponsor?

Each a new beginning – Day 132 – May 11, 2013 – Sponsor

Quoted from Page # 132 in Hope For Today (Link Here)

I remember the first time someone asked me to be a sponsor. I agreed to do it, and then went home and read the Al-Anon leaflet -Sponsorship, What it’s all about- to be sure I qualified.  even then I hesitated. What did I have to offer anyone?  I was still at the “toddler” stage of my own recovery, stumbling and falling more often than not. I was convinced I had to be perfect before I dared try to help anyone else.

Then I remembered my early days in the program. What I had wanted most from my sponsor was acceptance, affection, reassurance, and a trustworthy listener.  I certainly hadn’t expected perfection. Suddenly my inadequacies seemed unimportant, and my heart swelled as I realized that someone saw me as a healthy and valuable human being.

My Higher Power showed me I didn’t have to talk much to be a sponsor. What I really needed to do was listen.  As I listened I became aware of blessings I had never counted, areas of my life that needed attention, and principles at work in my life I had not recognized   It amazed me how helping others gave me insight regarding my own situation.

Those I sponsor have helped me feel loved and needed.  More important, they have helped me feel human. Because they reached out to me, I find it easier to ask for help myself without feeling weak. It’s been a privilege and a joy to give back a small part of the immense treasure I have received from God and from the Al-Anon program of recovery.

Thought for the Day

Being asked to sponsor someone affirms I do indeed have something valuable to offer a fellow human being.


“Realize that a sponsor is only one channel for Al-Anon’s message of hope, and avoid thinking that it is necessary to know all the answers.”

 – Sponsorship, What it’s all about, p. 9

Alleged Insight:

catching up, now for yesterday’s post, then today’s a little later on tonight.

Vires quod Virtus , Patientia quod Pietas.

*Strength and Courage , Patience and Compassion* (the bold line is Latin, I’m odd that way).


God Bless, and DFTBA

Standard Disclaimer: the text-reminder-and quote- herein comes from the book as noted at the top of this post. If you want to verify, look up your local AA or Al-Anon group.  
But seriously, the work works if you work it. I’m doing this for me, for my wife, for our family and for our future.
By posting this material each morning, I hope to hold the ideals in my awareness, and start with the small steps that make a big journey. ODAT is the slogan, and with God as my wing-man there’s a fair chance of surviving this adventure, for a while anyhow.

I am merely a tool in God’s toolbox.